Pete The Market Trader

You have to feel sorry for some people and I’m not without compassion.  When they say:

“It’s three pound but I’ve only got two left”.  I reply.

“Then you’d better put it back then hadn’t you, you haven’t got enough money”.

“But I really want it” they say.

“We’ll if you come back next week with more money, if I’ve still got some left then you’ll be in luck”.

It is around this time that they produce a purse.  The one that contains the ‘magic pound coin’.

It must be magic because it wasn’t there a moment ago but now it seems to have miraculously appeared.

Actually it’s no surprise that they couldn’t see it because it was buried beneath that curled up wad of fifty pound notes that they neglected to mention.

A similar thing often occurs when the same punters bring up three polo shirts, the two on the outside being the cheap polyester ones while the one neatly hidden on the inside is the nice cotton one with a horse on the front.

Like I don’t know my own stock.

My punters maybe many things but potential candidates for MI5 they are not.

That’s this week’s report from Pete the market trader.  The man on the street.  Literally.

I was up in Leicester this week seeing my old mates Iqubal and Salim. They run a socks and pants cash and carry just off of the Narlborough Road. They are importers and have good gear that you can’t get in London.

We have our own way of talking on the markets. Market inspectors are called toby’s, five hundred quid is a monkey and fifty-pound note is a McGarrett.
I’ve been on the markets for over forty years now and I thought that I had heard them all.

Anyway I was talking with the boys up in Leicester about a certain customer who is a right time waster and Iqubal said:
“You mean she’s a Chisit?”

I put down my Styrofoam cup of coffee and said, “What’s a Chisit?”
“You know” he said “the ones that never buy anything they just walk around the stall picking things up and saying ‘I’m a Chisit, I’m a Chisit’”

Thanks boys, it’s been an education.

That’s this week’s report from Pete the Market Trader. The man on the street. Literally.

The sun is shining and we are all geared up and ready to go, or at least so you might

This guy walks up to the stall and asks: “Got any T Shirts?”

I look around him at a stall filled with nothing but T shirts so I reply:

“My friend, practically all I’ve got is T Shirts.

I’ve got T Shirts with a big horse on
I’ve got T Shirts with a little horse on
I’ve got Round neck t shirts with a little horse on
I’ve got Round neck t shirts without a horse
I’ve got England t shirts
I’ve got Coloured t shirts
and I’ve got plain white t shirts”.

He takes one look at me and says “Got any V neck?”

No I didn’t have any V neck.

Time waster.

That’s this week’s report from Pete the Market Trader. The man on the street. Literally.

v

I am ashamed to say that I lost my temper with a punter this week. Our customers are not always the easiest to deal with but over time I have built up an armour.

Once in a while someone comes out with a line that you haven’t heard before, you do your best to keep it under control and ready a response for the next time it happens.

The last time I lost it was when a guy said: “I could have nicked this but I didn’t so you have to give me it cheaper”. I chased him off of the stall shouting words that my lady customers really shouldn’t hear.

I was on Queens on Thursday when a guy interrupted me serving two ladies demanding money back on some pants he bought.
Now I give money back on everything but not pants since I once got back a three pair pack of mama briefs and one of the garments was decidedly not white.
I explained that I was sorry but I don’t take pants back and I explained why but he was having none of it.
In the end I decided that I wasn’t worth the effort so I gave him his two pound back and told him to go.

Only I didn’t exactly say go.

He told me I couldn’t talk to him like that. I told him that he had got his money back and that I would talk to him exactly how I liked. Then I told him, in not so many words again, to go. Then as he walked off the stall he called me that word that you’re really not supposed to use.

That’s when it started to get ugly. I nearly hit the guy.

Fortunately, I managed to come to my senses in time and defuse the situation. It was the first time I had lost my temper with a customer for two years and now I have to start from scratch.

I suppose that’s why they’re called boxer shorts.

That’s this week’s report from Pete the Market Trader. The man on the street. Literally.

Andy the material and his brother Jack are big time Charlie’s in the material game. They have been trying to get a regular pitch on church street for many years now. It’s a very busy market for material sellers but as a result those that are there already are very protective over their turf. One of the older material sellers just gave up his licence and this gave the brothers their chance.

“What we’ll do” said Jack “Is we’ll go in with big ticket prices. We won’t sell anything to start with but we won’t upset anyone and then when they give us the pitch on a regular basis, then we’ll go cheap”.

Andy and Jack got a pitch opposite some bloke who thought he was all that. He was busy all morning and kept looking over at the boys with a smug expression on his face. In the end Jack couldn’t stand it any longer.

“Right” he said to Andy “Stick fifty pee tickets on everything.

The brothers smashed it.

At the end of the day the inspector came over to the lads and said:

“Sorry boys. I can’t let you on permanently, I’ve had too many complaints”.

“I don’t care”, replied Jack, “It was worth it to see the look on that blokes face”.

That’s this week’s report from Pete the Market Trader. The man on the street. Literally.